Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Go into the Water

A recent article on AZ Central profiled some of the four and five star resorts in Tucson. This is the picture that accompanied the article. There’s a damn duck in the pool! Do you get an extra star in your rating if you provide water fowl as an amenity?

We Wish You a Merry Grinch-Mas!

Okay, this is too much. Some holier-than-thou idiot actually thought that Santa's laugh might be offensive to women. They belived in this theory so much, they convinced a company that provides Santas to malls, etc. to make it a company policy to have their "Santa's" not say "ho, ho, ho." Seriously? What woman would think that when Old St. Nick was laughing he was actually calling her a "ho"? What' s Jolly Old St. Nick supposed to say? "Ha, Ha, Ha"? That's dumb as hell.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm sure that the phrase "ho, ho, ho" has been used to describe women during the holidays in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way. But aren't kids going to wonder why Santa isn't laughing like he used to? Did the college educated dork that came up with this stop to consider that now parents will be put in the position of having to explain this to their children? I don't know about y'all but I would not have taken kindly to having to explain to my young child what a "ho" is and why Santa couldn't say it anymore.

Come to think of it...the people playing the part of Santa during the holidays are, in a retail sort of way, paying homage to a saint. So, if this company is trying to censor what the Santa's say, aren't they indirectly trying to censor a saint? Should the Catholic church get involved in this heated social issue? What is to become of our society if we *gasp* keep our heads firmly planted up our collective asses?

This was a stupid thing for this company to bring up as a policy or even a suggestion. I truly hope the CEO grows a brain and rescinds the Grinch Policy. And for the record, chicks with brains won't be offended by the seasonal "ho, ho, ho" because we know that we are, in fact, not one. We also don't get offended by the occassional name calling...being comfortable in our own skin and all.

And lastly, this ho loves her some Santa. Can't wait to sit on your lap Santa Baby and tell you just how naughty I've been. ;-)

Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women
Wed Nov 14, 11:04 PM ET

SYDNEY (AFP) - Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.
Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute.
"Gimme a break," said Julie Gale, who runs the campaign against sexualising children called Kids Free 2B Kids.

"We are talking about little kids who do not understand that "ho, ho, ho" has any other connotation and nor should they," she told the Telegraph.

"Leave Santa alone."

A local spokesman for the US-based Westaff recruitment firm said it was "misleading" to say the company had banned Santa's traditional greeting and it was being left up to the discretion of the individual Santa himself.

Great News Day!

Teacher dispatches raccoon with nail gun
Tue Nov 13, 11:22 PM ET

Huntsville, AR - A high school teacher killed a raccoon with a nail gun after discovering the planned subject of a skinning demonstration was alive. (O.K., wait. This didn’t take place in Shop class? What was this? Critter Skinnin’ 101?)

Superintendent Alvin Lievsay said a student's parent promised to bring in a raccoon for the exercise (Shooot…all I ever brought in were cupcakes), but surprised teacher Jerick Hutchinson by bringing the animal in a live trap (‘cause they had enough in the other traps for dinner, I’m sure).

Lievsay said Hutchinson, "who used to work in a slaughter house," took the animal outside to the back of his truck Friday and shot it with the nail gun (This fool worked in a slaughter house and this was the only way he could come up with to kill this animal?).

Lievsay said no students witnessed the raccoon's death (because we don’t want you to see how you should kill an animal, just how to skin it ~ insert eye roll here.).

"He used the nail gun to, as they say, to dispatch the animal," Lievsay said. "It wasn't like he held a nail gun against the head of a cute little animal in front of the class." (I can just see the After School Special now…)

Hutchinson used the dead raccoon to demonstrate how to skin the animal and to examine the contents of its stomach (Oh, my bad. This demonstration isn’t Critter Skinnin’ 101 this is for The Forensic Files on Animal Planet).

Lievsay said only one student asked not to attend the skinning. (This was a requirement? I’ve dissected a frog in my time, but c’mon.)

Lievsay said officials at Huntsville High School later talked with Hutchinson and told him not to kill animals on school grounds (or the teenagers for that matter).

The superintendent said Hutchinson, one of two agriculture teachers at the school about 30 miles east of Fayetteville, also would provide more detailed lesson plans in the future (like which type of nail gun to use ~ Craftsman or Black & Decker).

"He does a great job. The kids love him," Lievsay said. (of course they do! He's batshit crazy!)

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up

Cows flee after seeing McDonald's
Tue Nov 13, 7:43 PM ET

West Haven, Utah - McDonald's? The burger joint? Stampede! Eight cows escaped from a trailer when the rear gate opened as the driver pulled into a McDonald's. It took about two hours to round them up Monday. (I can see how it took this long to round up eight head of cattle. Cows being wylie creatures and all. Hey - aren’t they supposed to have cowboys in Utah?)

"Maybe they were going to ... hop in the freezer, save the middleman," Weber County sheriff's Sgt. Dave Creager said. (Is the middleman he’s referring to the McButcher?)

Lt. Kevin Burns had another theory: "They didn't like their future." (Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun…)

The roundup was called "Operation Hamburger Helper." A nearby resident even hopped on his horse. (Okay, that’s right up there with ‘Operation Thong’.)

"I thought my eyes were lying," said Wayne Sanders, who was at a truck stop next door. "I don't know where they came from, but I'd say they'd have to weigh 800 pounds apiece and they were on a pretty good trot." (Cows trot?)

Sweet Jesus...it's a Real Place!!

All Things Southern

I was not lucky enough to be born in the South. Which is a cryin' shame. I love all things Southern. I was lucky enough to live in southeast Georgia for a couple of years. It's where I gave birth to my daughter and where I felt the most at home and where I will return to live out my days.

I asked my friend Christine (you may remember her from the Paula Deen deep fried butter ball chapter of your heroine's life) if she could make me Southern by, I don't know, baptizing me in Sweet Tea or something. She said, "No. It's just there. You're as Southern as they get, you were just born in the wrong state, that's all." Bless her heart. Being that she's from Newnan and all, I'm going to take her word for it.

I had to tell you that part so you would understand this part. I was driving around near my mom's house in Mesa when I passed soemthing I hadn't seen in about a minute. Lawd Jesus, I had to turn myself around just to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

But yes. There it was...in all it's disgusting fried glory. The only Captain D's in the state of Arizona. I immediately called Patti and we made plans to meet there for lunch someday.

That day finally arrived today. I'm certain I'll be paying for this fine fried meal (fish, okra, fries and hush puppies!). I'm on a health kick and have not allowed myself to have anything fried in a very long time. Until today. I knew with every bite of that fried fishy goodness that I was going to be ill for the rest of the day.

So, once my system has recovered from the crap I just ingested, I'll be heading to the gym to work it all off and hopefully regain some of my self respect....Whatever, it was so worth it!

Now, if I could only find a Popeye's...

This Was Super-Fun!!

I moved last weekend. I funking hate moving. Luckily, I have some really great friends who I was able to bribe into helping with promises of pizza and cold beers. So, now I'm living out of boxes and tripping more than usual (mostly due to all the crap I haven't put away yet). All will be well once I have my kitchen set up and I cook for the first time in my new place. Once I unwravel myself from all the packing tape and finish playing with all the bubble wrap, I'll start writing again on a more consistent basis. Prroooooommmmisssssse.