Monday, January 18, 2010

Holy Cow! Literally!

Tenn. man says cows licked $100 in damage to house
Dec. 7, 2009 09:04 PM Associated Press

ROGERSVILLE, Tenn. - A Tennessee man's homeowners insurance apparently doesn't cover "acts of cow." (I find this surprising. Has his insurance company not seen Twister!? "Julia...we got cows!" or The Wizard of Oz? Farm animals can be very dangerous to homes. Especially when they're being whipped around by wind and/or flying monkeys.)

Jerry Lynn Davis called the Hawkins County Sheriff's office on Thursday, complaining that a neighbor's cows had been licking his house (Really? Seriously? He called the po-po? I'd pay money to have seen that 911 operators face when they got that call. "Hello? Yes, I have an emergency, my neighbors gurnsey is lickin' mah house." How is this an emergency? Wait....I've been to Tennessee, I get it. They should have just called Ron Jeremy. That image just screams "PORN!"). In the process, Davis says the curious bovines did about $100 in damage by ripping off a screen window, cracking the glass and pulling down a gutter. (What the sam hill did this fool have on his house that made it so tasty to bovines? Cows eat grass! OOooooohhhhh....)

The Kingsport Times-News reports that Davis' home is just a couple of feet from a fence enclosing the cows' pasture. They managed to poke their heads through (They, who? The Davis' or the cows? English class would be great. Also, do cows really have a two foot neck span?) to lick the house, though a deputy's report did not indicate what made the house so tasty. (I guess the cows in question invoked the 5th and wouldn't answer the deputy's questions? Now, was this just a couple of rogue cows who heard of licking toads to get high and decided to try it with a house instead? Did the whole herd join in? Or...was this just a publicity stunt by some cows wanting to be one of the California or Chik-Fil-A cows?)

Deputy Chris Funk was able to contact the cows' owner, who said he'd take care of the problem. (Deputy Funk? That sounds like one of the Village People. I wonder if his partner's name is Officer Everhard?)

Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "cow lick", don't it?