Sunday, October 26, 2008


I found this t-shirt at Wal-Mart. I really wish I knew someone this applied to, because I so want to buy it for someone I love. People over 80, I guess.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

What's That Smell?

The Stink in Farts Controls Blood Pressure (Jesus Herbert Christ…where or where do I begin?)

A smelly rotten-egg gas in farts (could they have used a different word, maybe? Toot? Flatulence? Poodyoink? Bucksnort?) controls blood pressure in mice, a new study finds.

The unpleasant aroma of the gas (well, now that’s delicate. My ex-husband could carpet bomb a small city with the ~ as he puts it ~ “barking spiders” he lets fly), called hydrogen sulfide (H2S) (funny, I thought it was called ‘toxic waste’), can be a little too familiar, as it is expelled by bacteria living in the human colon and eventually makes its way, well, out.

The new research found that cells lining mice's blood vessels naturally make the (as opposed to going to their local Chevron) and this action can help keep the rodents' blood pressure low by relaxing the blood vessels to prevent hypertension (high blood pressure). This gas is "no doubt" produced in cells lining human blood vessels too, the researchers said.

"Now that we know hydrogen sulfide's role in regulating blood pressure, it may be possible to design drug therapies that enhance its formation as an alternative to the current methods of treatment for hypertension," (Why bother developing “treatments”? Just give them a gift card to Macayo’s for some Mexican food.) said Johns Hopkins neuroscientist Solomon H. Snyder, M.D., a co-author of the study detailed in the Oct. 24th issue of the journal Science.

Snyder and his colleagues compared normal mice to mice that were missing a gene for an enzyme known as CSE, long suspected (all they had to do was post it's picture at the post office!) as being responsible for making hydrogen sulfide. As they measured hydrogen sulfide levels taken from tissues of the CSE-deficient mice, the scientists found that the gas was depleted in the cardiovascular systems of the altered mice. By contrast, normal mice had higher levels of the gas (I wonder if they gave the mice Bean-O? Shit. I think I just figured out the right treatment! Mexican Food+Beano-O = low blood pressure! I'm a genius!!), thereby showing that hydrogen sulfide is naturally made by mammalian tissues using CSE.

Next, the mice were subjected to higher blood pressures comparable to serious hypertension in humans (did they give the mice a Big Mac and a job on Wall Street?). Scientists had them respond (how? By asking politely?) to a chemical called methacholine that relaxes normal blood vessels. The blood vessels of the CSE-lacking mice hardly relaxed, indicating that hydrogen sulfide is a huge contender for regulating blood pressure.

Hydrogen sulfide is the most recently discovered member of a family of gasotransmitters (I guess they never heard of Howard Stern’s gasotransmitter ~ Fart Man), small molecules inside our bodies with important physiological functions.

Because gasotransmitters are common in mammals all over the evolutionary tree (those damn farting cows!), these findings on the importance of hydrogen sulfide are thought to have broad applications to human diseases, such as diabetes and neurodegenerative diseases (so, if I toot a lot, I can regulate my blood sugar and avoid dementia? Bitchin’).

The research was supported by grants from the U.S. Public Health Service and the Canadian Institutes of Health Research as well as a Research Scientist Award. (Someone gave them money for this!? I wonder how much money I could get for one of my bullshit ideas? Probably gazillions!)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Halloween Candy

So, what makes the smaller sizes of candy "fun"? Are the full size candy bars considered "serious"?

I mean, I know size matters and all. But, I’ve never had more fun eating a miniature size of my favorite candy bar. I've been completely satisfied, but that was more of a hormonal issue and a topic for a whoooollle nutha kind of post.

I’ll admit, I do enjoy finding new ways to eat chocolate (get your mind out of the gutter Paula Jo). But I would never describe it as “fun”. Maybe I’m eating the wrong kind of candy…

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Don't Care Which Side You're On

This is just funny.

I Would Love to See This Guy's Personal Ad!

Police arrest Mich. man for car wash vacuum sex
Sat Oct 18, 7:56 pm ET

THOMAS TOWNSHIP, Mich. – Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash (how does one receive sexual favors from a vacuum? Does the vacuum reeaally have a say so in this scenario?).

The Saginaw News reports the 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was arrested Thursday in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit (I didn’t think the GM-Chrysler merger would affect people so much!).

Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act (damn! The economy is really hitting everyone hard. This poor fool can’t even afford to see a hooker anymore! He had to resort to using the .50 cent vacuum at the local Buff’n’Shine. Geez! Talk about polishing your knob…)

The suspect, whose name wasn't immediately released (oh, but you know it will be…), is being held in the Saginaw County Jail.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Along Came Polly

So, by now, all y'all know that my special gift from God was seeing random odd things while I'm driving. This is why I always carry my camera. Always.

Yesterday was one such day. I was on my way to work and I saw a strapping young lad on a motocycle. He had on one of those ridiculous helmets that has a mohawk on it. Seriously, they're just stoopid.

This particular helmet was special, though. It was red...bright candy apple red. With a neon green mohawk. This fool looked like a damn parrot!

I felt so bad for this poor thing. He doesn't have any friends to tell him he looks like a jackass. I hope he finds some soon. Some friends and some saltines.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Rite of Passage

Well...I've reached a milestone in my life. It's time for my very first mammogram. Yay me!

I've been talking to friends who have already had theirs. And, I can say that I am honestly not looking forward to it. Call me crazy, but having someone squish the girls (whose names are 'Real' and 'Spectacular') between two pieces of cold, hard plexiglass does not sound like a good time.

More than that, doesn't the word "mammogram" sound like something that should be delivered with balloons and a song? Think about it..."Mammo - Gram!"

I think that afterwards I'm going to buy myself some flowers and a balloon. You know, I may be on to something. Wouldn't this be a great marketing campaign? I mean, it is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I can just hear the jingle now..."Get your mammies grammied today!!"

On a more serious daughter is at risk for breast cancer. Chances are, someone you know and care about is at risk, too. Support Breast Cancer events in your area - like participating or sponsoring someone in a Susan G. Komen event. Because, after all....Tatas make the world go round.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Flipper's Mafia

EDGEWATER, Fla. - A woman is recovering in Florida after a dolphin hit her when it leaped aboard the boat she was in (see what you get boys and girls for not buying dolphin safe tuna?).

The Coast Guard says witnesses called 911 Thursday after seeing the dolphin jump from the Intracoastal Waterway and hit Barbara Howard of Mansfield, Ohio (why is it that I picture this dolphin wearing a black mask and making ninja-like sounds? What a great movie idea for M. Night Shamalamadingdong!! “ Ninja Dolphins of the Damned!”)

Howard was sitting in an 18-foot boat with her husband, their daughter and their daughter's boyfriend.

The Howards say the dolphin jumped about six feet high (oooooo….Olympic Ninja Dolphins of the Damned!) and landed on the bow (holy shit! It did a pile driver!).

They say it slid in their laps and its thrashing tail knocked them to the deck. Their daughter's boyfriend rolled the dolphin back into the water (soooo...her boyfriend is good with rolling large, slippery things into water. Interesting.).

The husband and wife were treated at a hospital for cuts and bruises and released (Wait. Cuts? Was this a latino dolphin?)