Wednesday, August 22, 2007

A Bad Day to be a Dick

EDINBURGH (AFP) - A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or "Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf", was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and ... hospitalisation.

"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed AE with a vacuum attached to me," Blackner said.

"I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived."

My Comments…

“horribly awry” was the best description they could come up with? Seriously?

Was this guy just sitting around one day and thought, “Hey! I’ll perform a vacuum cleaner blow job as entertainment! People will pay money to see that!” I mean, how bored (and twisted) do you need to be to come up with this?

Okay…did y’all catch that a dwarf just said that his embarrassment was short lived?

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said on Wednesday.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was "difficult to predict".

The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high.

"It was monstrously painful," the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. "I was burning like a torch. I don't know what I did to deserve this."

OOO! OOO! Pick me! Pick me! I know!!

Monday, August 20, 2007

True Stories of Dell Technical Support

My dad bought my daughter a laptop. The thing wouldn’t power up when we got it, so I called Dell Technical Support. Of course, I was connected with India. My call was routed to a very cordial young man named, Damandeep.

Girl, yes…DA MAN DEEP.

This tickled me so much that I couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying to me, so I had to think of him as “Steve”. “Steve” couldn’t help me power up my hoopdee laptop, so he sent me on to customer care and had me order a replacement.

Before he transferred me, he said that he would send me an email confirming our conversation and my replacement order.

I got the email this morning.

It was signed….


I giggled about this for a while. Then I decided that it was a message from the Universe reminding me to “love deep”. I got it, Universe. I’ll remember to love deep.

Saturday, August 18, 2007


I haven't been up to much lately.

I was horribly depressed for a few years and have just recently decided to drive my own life instead of being a passenger. I'm surrounded by a lot of people who love me so my only option is to succeed.

I wish I could say that I'm wildly in love with my soul mate. But the truth of the matter is I don't date much. Not that I don't want to, I'm just incredibly picky and have no tolerance for games or idiots. That significantly decreases the pool of which I have to pick from. I'm really not all that worried about it, either. Prince Charming will come along someday and I'll be right there ready to rescue him.

My daughter is doing well. She loves school and is looking forward to getting her license. She has some good friends and I pray she's as blessed as I am and their friendships will last beyond high school. She has a friend named Taylor who reminds me of my friend Brenda. Everyone should have a Bren in their life.

Work is good. I adore my boss and she is one of my biggest supporters. I haven't been there for a year yet and by some miracle have made some very close friends. I told my friend Sharra that for my birthday I wanted a Fireman-Baseball Player-Cowboy-Policeman-Chef. I told her (in my own words), "Make it happen!" Y'all know how bossy I can be. Well, she did. During my weekly team meeting, in walked two of the IT guys. One was holding a laptop that was playing some music and the other one had written me a birthday rap and was rappin'. One by one, in walked a Fireman, Policeman, Cowboy, Baseball Player, Chef. She had somehow convinced some of our V.P.'s to dress up and be my "Mega Man" for my birthday. The chef was one of the owners, he brought in my favorite...a key lime cheesecake. My cube was silly with confetti, flowers and balloons. It was the greatest birthday and I felt so loved. All I can say is Sharra had better watch out....

Family is doing great! My mom just go remarried in July and my neice just took her first steps. My baby sister and nephew are beautiful and I wished they lived closer so I could see them more often. Maybe I just need to make more of an effort to go see them. I love them to all my heart! My Dad moved to MT and seems very happy to be back in his hometown. I'm happy for him, I think it's good for him to be in the mountains, they're very much a part of him.

Let's see...I've covered work, family, kid, love life. What's left?

Friends...I have the best friends in the whole whirrled! My life is just silly with good girlfriends and even a couple of ex-boyfriends. My buddies are generous, caring, silly, crazy, sentimental and neener, neener....they're all mine.

Love ya, mean it! Seriously...I love y'all like a fat kid loves cake.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

My Booba

There was a strong thunderstorm south of Phoenix last night. It was right on top of Casa Grande and moving west. The weatherman on the late night news wasn’t expecting the storm to move into the metro Phoenix area. He said, at most, Queen Creek may get a few sprinkles. The storm was about an hour away of where we live.

Well, this storm had other ideas and was determined to prove the forecasters wrong.

It started to thunder around 10:30. Not too loud, just some gentle rolling thunder. My daughter had already been in bed for a while, so I wasn’t worried that the thunder would wake her up. Once that kid’s asleep, she’s out for the night. Around 11:30 the thunder got a little louder and the lightening made the night seem like day. Then the thunder got LOUD. This storm meant business. Luckily, my daughter was still asleep. By now it was 12:30.

All of a sudden, there was an incredibly bright flash of lightening that illuminated my entire room, immediately followed by a very large, very loud, very frightening clap of thunder. Fifteen seconds later, I heard the pitter patter of my daughter’s feet. She climbed into bed with me and snuggled close. There were a couple more loud thunderclaps. With each clap, she cuddled closer. After a while, I noticed that her breathing had become regular and the thunder was no longer making her tremble. She had fallen asleep with her head on my chest and my arms around her, holding her close...keeping her safe from harm.

I started to cry. Not because I missed my “baby” or because I knew in a few short years she would be an adult and I would no longer be able to hold her like this. But for all the parents whose children were taken from them too soon; and for all the children who have never had a parent hold them close to keep them safe from the thunder.

My daughter slept for an hour before she rolled over and realized where she was. By that time the storm had passed and she was brave enough to go back to her own bed. After she left I laid there and was keenly aware that I could still feel the warmth from her head on my chest. I thanked God right at that moment, with all the humility in my heart, for blessing me with a child. And not just any child, but with her. I am a better person for just having known her and my life is full because of her.