Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Reason # 488 Why I 'Heart' My Aunt Rosie

I received the following e-mail from my Aunt. She ain't right...

I saw a billboard sign that read:


Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Oh Goody! Another Colossal Waste of Money!

Swedish study to measure methane released by belching cows
The Associated PressJan. 21, 2008 12:21 PM

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - A Swedish university has received $590,000 in research funds to measure the greenhouse gases released when cows belch. (WTF!? I just got a picture in my head of those California cheese cows just letting one rip.)

About 20 cows will participate in the project (how exactly does a cow sign up to participate in a study??) run by the Swedish University for Agricultural Sciences in Uppsala, about 40 miles north of Stockholm, officials said Monday.

Cattle release methane, a greenhouse gas believed to contribute to global warming, when they digest their food (just like the rest of us mammals ~ it ain’t no secret. That'll be $590,000.).

Researchers believe the level of methane released depends on the type of food they eat (so what? They produce more gas if they eat Mexican?).

Project leader Jan Bertilsson said that the cows involved in the study will have different diets and wear a collar device measuring the methane level in the air around them. (will some be on the South Beach Diet, some on the Body for Life diet?)

He said 95 percent of the methane released by cows comes out through the mouth. (so, they already know how much methane cows produce when they belch, but they’re going to spend over a half million dollars to study it anyway?)

"This type of research is already being conducted in Canada so we will be in contact with Canadian agricultural researchers in the near future," he said. (ok, wait. It’s already being researched in another country? What are these fools hoping to find out? That Sweedish cows produce more methane than Canadian ones? Is it because of all the Swiss cheese? )

The research will be funded by a grant from the government's Swedish Research Council for Environment, Agricultural Sciences and Spatial Planning. (like their cheese, the logic behind approving this study has holes all through it).

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

I Love This Woman!

Mom sells rule-breaking son's car
Wed Jan 9, 1:18 AM ET

Jane Hambleton has dubbed herself the "meanest mom on the planet."

After finding alcohol in her son's car, she decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old's misdeed with everyone — by placing an ad in the local newspaper.

The ad reads: "OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet."

Hambleton has heard from people besides interested buyers since recently placing the ad in The Des Moines Register.

The 48-year-old from Fort Dodge says she has fielded more than 70 telephone calls from emergency room technicians, nurses, school counselors and even a Georgia man who wanted to congratulate her.

"The ad cost a fortune, but you know what? I'm telling people what happened here," Hambleton says. "I'm not just gonna put the car for resale when there's nothing wrong with it, except the driver made a dumb decision.

"It's overwhelming the number of calls I've gotten from people saying 'Thank you, it's nice to see a responsible parent.' So far there are no calls from anyone saying, 'You're really strict. You're real overboard, lady.'"

The only critic is her son, who Hambleton says is "very, very unhappy" with the ad and claims the alcohol was left by a passenger.

Hambleton believes her son but has decided mercy isn't the best policy in this case. She says she set two rules when she bought the car at Thanksgiving: No booze, and always keep it locked.
The car has been sold, but Hambleton says she will continue the ad for another week — just for the feedback.

I only have two words to say about this: Fucking Fabulous!

Crack is Whack!

Pair wheel corpse to store to cash check
By MARCUS FRANKLIN, Associated Press WriterTue Jan 8, 10:18 PM ET

Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said (Oh, holy hell). David J. Dalaia and James O'Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron's body from the Manhattan apartment that O'Hare and Cintron shared to Pay-O-Matic, about a block away, spokesman Paul Browne said witnesses told police.

"The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side," Browne said (Did these fools just get done watching 'Weekend at Bernies'? These two need to lay off the pipe). The men left Cintron's body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check, Browne said. The store's clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O'Hare told the clerk they would go and get him (So he could do what? Vouch that he needed $355 for the trip to Heaven?), Browne said.

A police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store noticed a crowd forming around Cintron's body, and "it's immediately apparent to him that Cintron is dead," Browne said.

The detective called uniformed New York Police Department officers at a nearby precinct. Emergency medical technicians arrived as O'Hare and Dalaia were preparing to wheel Cintron's body into the check-cashing store (These idiots probably had this poor dead man all rigged up so he could "sign" the check. Great - now all I can picture are the zombies from "Thriller". "You feel a cold hand..."), Browne said. Police arrested Dalaia and O'Hare there, he said.

Cintron's body was taken to a hospital morgue. The medical examiner's office told police it appeared Cintron, 66, had died of natural causes within the previous 24 hours, Browne said.
"He was deceased in the apartment when he was removed by these two," Browne said.
Dalaia and O'Hare, both 65, were being held by police and faced check fraud charges (that's it? No gross misconduct with a corpse or anything?), Browne said.

A call to a telephone number listed for Cintron at the apartment he shared with O'Hare went unanswered Tuesday evening. Police said they didn't have an address for Dalaia or attorney information for him or O'Hare.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

2007 Post of the Year

With over 300 hits on my blog, this post was by far the most viewed in 2007. As of today, I still do not know the answers to y'alls burning questions ~ nor would I spill if I did. As far as toenail polish goes, my personal favorite is OPI's The Thrill of Brazil.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Handbasket to Hell Departing from Gate 1

I know I shouldn't laugh at this....but's funny!

Buffalo bucks off man, mauls him
Brent WhitingThe Arizona RepublicJan. 1, 2008 08:53 AM

An elderly Cave Creek man has been mauled by a buffalo (I thought only animals with claws could maul things? Wouldn't a buffalo gore or trample? Maybe this was a special breed of buffalo) that he had saddled and was attempting to ride (where would you even buy a saddle big enough to fit a buffalo?), authorities said Tuesday. The 75-year-old victim, who name was not immediately released (I'm sure his family is greatful for this), was airlifted to Scottsdale Healthcare Osborn for treatment of injuries that were not considered life-threatening (someone is going to have to explain to me why he was airlifted to a hospital for non-life threatening injuries. Were the EMT's laughing too hard to render aid?), said John Kraetz, a district chief for Rural/Metro Fire Department. "He saddled up, got bucked off and was mauled," (I've done some stupid stuff on New Year's Eve, but putting a saddle on livestock and trying to ride it was never one of them. Visons of my ex-husband do come to mind, though.) Kraetz said.

The incident occurred about 5 p.m. Monday at a ranch near Spur Cross and Yucca roads, northwest of Cave Creek and School House roads, Kraetz said. The man owns two buffalos that were kept on the property (who did this fool think he was? Wild Bill Hickock?), he said. It was not immediately clear whether the beasts or injured man have any connection to T.C. Thorstenson, a Cave Creek buffalo wrangler. When reached by phone, Thorstenson repeatedly declined to discuss the mauling. (They were a special breed of buffalo! Deadly Ninja Attack Buffalo of the Damned!).

Please don't get me wrong. I'm sorry this man was injured. But I'm just wondering....what prompted the desire to saddle and ride a buffalo? Don't they have a slanted back? Wouldn't you just slide right off like butter on a hot biscuit?

Once, while visiting my family in Montana (I think I was 10 at the time), we went to dinner one evening to a restaurant that happened to be located on a buffalo ranch. My cousin Kim and I were happily skipping along a little trail that was next to a chain link fence that separated us from the buffalo. Let me repeat that...a chain link fence separated us from certain death. Kim and I were just skipping and my cousin pointed at a baby buffalo that had strayed from its momma. Well Momma Buffalo saw this and was none to happy with me or my wayward cousin Kim. She charged the damn fence! I have never run so fast in my life. I was like a cartoon. My legs were a windmill of motion and there was a cloud of dust behind me.

So, kids...the moral of this story is...even though buffalo is the leanest of all red meats, I just don't think you should saddle one and try to ride it. Or point at the baby ones for that matter.