Thursday, May 29, 2008


Mexican donkey jailed for ornery behavior (how surprising! The Popo locked up a Mexican for being an a s s…)

A donkey is doing time in southern Mexico for assault and battery. (Oh, holy hell.)

The animal was locked up at a local jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances after it bit and kicked two men near a ranch in Chiapas state, police said Monday. (What I want to know is why the donkey felt the need to “assault” and “batter” these men? Would this have something to do with a donkey show?)

Officer Sinar Gomez said the donkey will remain behind bars until its owner agrees to pay the men's medical bills.

"Around here, if someone commits a crime they are jailed," Gomez said — "no matter who they are." (I could understand this if maybe we were talking about a high political official or something…but a don-KEY!?)

The owner, Mauro Gutierrez, told The Associated Press he would try to reach a friendly arrangement to pay the men's bills, estimated at US$420 (euro270). (See, not that’s just sad. A beast of burden kicked the ever lovin’ shit outta these two fools!)

The victims said the donkey bit Genaro Vazquez, 63, in the chest (why the sam hill was this man’s chest that close to a donkey’s mouth? Are they sure this didn’t happen in Jackass Junction?) on Sunday and then kicked 52-year-old Andres Hernandez as he tried to come to the rescue, fracturing his ankle.

"All of a sudden, the animal was on top of us like it was rabid," Hernandez said. (Maybe Stephen King can make this into a new movie about a rabid renegade donkey terrorizing a small Mexican town! I can see the trailer now….”This summer. A new thriller from the dark mind of Stephen King: Burro – he only brays once.”)

Police said it took a half-dozen men to control the enraged burro. (Why? All it should have taken is one woman with a tranquilizer gun.)

Chiapas police have thrown animals in the slammer before (And the Darwin Award for Most Boneheaded Police Force goes to…), including a bull that devoured corn crops and destroyed two wooden vending stands in March. (What? He got liquored up on some corn-shine and fell down. Like we all haven’t done the same thing!)

In 2006, a dog was locked up for 12 days after biting someone. His owners were fined US$18. (only 12 days, huh? Must have been a misdemeanor).

What kind of cuffs you think they use for animals? Maybe the little plastic things from a six pack of Coke...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Why I Carry a Camera in My Purse

I was driving home from the library last night when I spied this fine piece of art...

If you can't make out what it is...let me enlighten you...
It's a shaved decapitated baby doll head with nails driven into it. It has been painted with various shades of brown and black and also has some sort of glitter all over it. Maybe it was a disco ball from a tribe of Congo head shrinkers?
On top of the baby doll head is another smaller baby doll. Also with nails driven into it.
Now, I'm not certain if this was a tribute to "Sid" from 'Toy Story' or if I happened to be driving next to someone who practices Voodoo or if this person has something against baby dolls. But it was defiantely the most disturbing antenna ball I've ever seen. Hell, it made me laugh and I thought I'd share.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Dick Museum

While browsing through the ‘Most Popular’ news stories on Yahoo!, I ran across this gem of a news piece and thought I’d share with y’all. Enjoy, have a good laugh and a great weekend!
Love ya ~ mean it!

Icelandic museum offers long and short of male organ
By Bob StrongThu May 15, 10:22 AM ET

Sigurdur Hjartarson is missing a human penis (and a name that makes sense). But he's not worried: four men have promised to donate theirs to him when they die (I’ve heard of the ‘Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants’ ~ But the Brotherhood of the Donated Weiner is too much).

Hjartarson is founder and owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which offers visitors from around the world a close-up look at the long and the short of the male reproductive organ (so we can now have visual proof that size really does matter!)

His collection, which began in 1974 with a single bull's penis that looked something like a riding crop (I can only imagine him coming up with this idea over a huge plate of Rocky Mountain Oysters), now boasts 261 preserved members from 90 species.

The largest, from a sperm whale, is 70 kg (154 lb) and 1.7 meters (5.58 ft) long. The smallest, a hamster penis bone, is just 2 mm and must be viewed through a magnifying glass.

One species conspicuous by its absence is homo sapiens (Maybe Lorena Bobbit wasn’t trying to kill her husband! Girlfriend was just trying to make a donation to a museum!), but that may soon be rectified since a German, an American, an Icelander and a Briton have promised to donate their organs after death, according to certificates on display.

The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis (I wonder how different a description written by his wife would be? Hmmmm…) -- which he purportedly nick-named "Elmo" (well that just brings a whole new meaning to “Tickle Me Elmo” doesn’t it?) -- for display alongside a life-size plastic mould of the member (okay…I have to ask…hard or soft?) as well as his pledge to donate it.

Hjartarson said the Icelandic donor, a 93-year-old from nearby Akureyri, was a womanizer in his youth who thought having his penis in the collection might bring him eternal fame. (This fools legacy to the world isn’t a donation to a humanitarian effort or to help find a cure for disease, but his over-used schlong. Nice. See! Men really do think with their dicks!)

But vanity may make him rethink the offer. (Men are vain about their tallywhackers!?)

"He has mentioned lately that his penis is shrinking as he gets older (ummm…DUH!) and he is worried it might not make a proper exhibit, (exactly which part of this ENTIRE museum is “proper”?) " Hjartarson said.


The museum, originally opened in Reykjavik in 1997, has now moved to the quiet fishing village of Husavik, 480 km (298 miles) northeast of the capital.

Open from May to September, it is housed in a plain brown building, the entrance marked by a tall brown phallus near the door and a penis-shaped sign over the front porch. (The museum cafĂ© is called “Woody’s” and the house drinks are the Slippery Dick and Blow Job)

A growing number of people from all over the world view the collection each year, 60 percent of them women. (Well, you can't blame a sister for needing a good laugh)

"We had 6,000 visitors last summer and actually made a profit," Hjartarson said with a smile.

The specimens, most of which were donated by fishermen, hunters and biologists, are kept in glass jars of formaldehyde or dried and mounted on the wall (makes sense...that’s what I did with my ex-husbands penis. His balls I keep in a velvet case on my dresser) , creating an atmosphere that is part science lab, part trophy room. (Oh God, this article gets more and more ri”dick”ulous as it goes on…)

Hjartarson has paid for only one -- an elephant penis nearly 1 meter long that hangs, stuffed and mounted on a wooden board, in the museum's "foreign section."

He said he began collecting penises 24 years ago, when working as a school administrator, with little notion he would one day be running a museum devoted to the subject.

"It was just a hobby," (WHY!? Why would collecting stuffed, pickled one-eyed-wonder-worms be your hobby? I hope people use Purell after shaking this man's hand) he said, adding that the collection was relegated to his office until the inception of the museum.

"They were not on display in the sitting room."

The museum's "folklore collection" includes a few sculptures and joke items, but no sex toys or paraphernalia (you need to go to Paula Jo’s bedroom for those. ;-) ). The more risque displays stay under wraps.

"Two elderly German women came in a while ago and after viewing the exhibit, they scolded me for displaying a group of figurines in Kama Sutra poses (I used to do that with my Barbies!) , so I put them in here," Hjartarson said, lifting a black cloth off a glass-topped box labeled 'Erotica'.
"This way nobody has to view them unless they want to."

Hjartarson maintains a light-hearted approach to his delicate subject matter, saying a sense of humor and a bit of intelligence are necessary to appreciate the collection.

"I hope visitors leave the museum in a better mood than when they arrived," he said. (I wouldn’t be able to help myself…I’d be singing the Oscar Meyer Weiner song the whole time I was there).

Just in case you’d like to see the entire collection…you can visit their website…

Sigurdur Hjartarson, owner and founder of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, poses next to a stuffed elephant penis at the museum in Husavik May 8, 2008. (Bob Strong/Reuters)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Mother's Day

I hope everyone had a pleasant Mother's Day. Personally, mine was fabulous! I was showered with presents from my daughter. A bag that I had been wanting, several varieties of chocolates, pedicure essentials and a simulated diamond necklace. YAY me! While the simulated diamond necklace (I later learned came from Target) was by far the sweetest gift my daughter has given me, the card she chose for this Mother's Day was truly unforgettable.

On the front it read, "To MOM..."

And on the inside...

"...the woman who taught me to defy gravity."

It warms my heart to know that my precious, sweet little angel has inheirited her mother's sarcasm and sense of humor. *sniff* She makes me so proud...

Friday, May 2, 2008