Thursday, May 29, 2008


Mexican donkey jailed for ornery behavior (how surprising! The Popo locked up a Mexican for being an a s s…)

A donkey is doing time in southern Mexico for assault and battery. (Oh, holy hell.)

The animal was locked up at a local jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances after it bit and kicked two men near a ranch in Chiapas state, police said Monday. (What I want to know is why the donkey felt the need to “assault” and “batter” these men? Would this have something to do with a donkey show?)

Officer Sinar Gomez said the donkey will remain behind bars until its owner agrees to pay the men's medical bills.

"Around here, if someone commits a crime they are jailed," Gomez said — "no matter who they are." (I could understand this if maybe we were talking about a high political official or something…but a don-KEY!?)

The owner, Mauro Gutierrez, told The Associated Press he would try to reach a friendly arrangement to pay the men's bills, estimated at US$420 (euro270). (See, not that’s just sad. A beast of burden kicked the ever lovin’ shit outta these two fools!)

The victims said the donkey bit Genaro Vazquez, 63, in the chest (why the sam hill was this man’s chest that close to a donkey’s mouth? Are they sure this didn’t happen in Jackass Junction?) on Sunday and then kicked 52-year-old Andres Hernandez as he tried to come to the rescue, fracturing his ankle.

"All of a sudden, the animal was on top of us like it was rabid," Hernandez said. (Maybe Stephen King can make this into a new movie about a rabid renegade donkey terrorizing a small Mexican town! I can see the trailer now….”This summer. A new thriller from the dark mind of Stephen King: Burro – he only brays once.”)

Police said it took a half-dozen men to control the enraged burro. (Why? All it should have taken is one woman with a tranquilizer gun.)

Chiapas police have thrown animals in the slammer before (And the Darwin Award for Most Boneheaded Police Force goes to…), including a bull that devoured corn crops and destroyed two wooden vending stands in March. (What? He got liquored up on some corn-shine and fell down. Like we all haven’t done the same thing!)

In 2006, a dog was locked up for 12 days after biting someone. His owners were fined US$18. (only 12 days, huh? Must have been a misdemeanor).

What kind of cuffs you think they use for animals? Maybe the little plastic things from a six pack of Coke...

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