Monday, September 24, 2007

How People See Me

I was watching a comedian last night. The comic said something sarcastic and my daughter howled, "Mom, that is SO you!" Which got me to do people see me?

My Sister sees me as Julia Sugarbaker. Apparently I anihilate people when they get under my skin. But only when they really deserve it...

She also sees me as Sandra Bullock's character in Hope Floats. Sweet, huh?

My friend Christine sees me as Gracie Lou Freebush. In her words, "They based that character on you. You should be gettin royalties!"

My mother sees me as Suzanne Sugarbaker. Purely for the fact that I love wearing tiaras.

My friend ex-husband thinks I'm Dharma incarnate. I could think of worse things.

Christine also says I remind her of Rachel Ray because we're both silly as hell. I'll take it...

I've also been told that I remind people of Clairee from Steel Magnolias, Jeff Dunham's puppet Peanut and a host of other characters. As long as I don't start hearing voices, I'm golden.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Man Kisses Snake and Lives to Tell

Wed Sep 19, 4:35 PM ET
PORTLAND, Ore. - Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth. (if there was ever a “Do you know what that fool did?” moment…this was it.)

He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat (well, whodda thunk?). Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.

"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff." (I don’t even want to know what kind of hooch this fool brewed up).

Calls from cable network television stations poured in Tuesday, when he still had sore muscles and nerves from the venom.

It happened at a barbecue with friends. (I think it's time to find new friends)

Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand. (How you gonna miss holding a snake in your damn hand!?)

"She said, 'Get that thing out of my face,'" Wilkinson said. "I told her it was a nice snake. 'Nothing can happen. Watch.'" (oooo! Let's sit back and watch de fun!)

So he stuck the snake in his mouth. (wow! I didn’t know I could roll my eyes that much. Cool)
"It got a hold of my tongue," he said.

He was having breathing problems when his ex-girlfriend drove him to the hospital. "She was the only one sober," Wilkinson said. (Okay, now I’m laughing)

En route, they spotted a police car and asked for help.

His next memory, he said, was waking up at the hospital.

Doctors could not get a breathing tube down his throat.

Dr. Richard Mullins cut a hole in Wilkinson's neck to insert the breathing tube. Physicians started giving antivenin, moved him to intensive care and kept him sedated until the swelling went down.

The Poison Control Center sees about 50 people a year with snake bites, usually hikers. Deaths from rattlesnake bites in Oregon are extremely rare.

Wilkinson, who works in construction, has yet to return to work. His three Western diamondback rattlers have been removed from his home. (This fool kept them as pets and thought they were ‘nice’. Son, that rattle at the end of their tails isn’t for samba music)

He says co-workers have been pretty blunt.

"They were like, 'What the heck were you thinking?'" Wilkinson said.

The answer? "It's my own stupidity." (And the Darwin Award for World’s Biggest Bonehead goes to…)

Sunday, September 16, 2007

I Got Nothing

Absolutely nothing today. I've decided that I need a hobby and have decided to take up golf. My step-dad will be my instructor and I'm fervently hoping that I don't nail him with my clubs.

Today, in the non-stop excitement that is your heroines life, I will be going to the grocery store and library. Followed by a rousing game of 'Let's Do The Laundry'.

Today's only saving grace is that it's Sunday and that means Sunday dinner. It also means another episode of "Rock of Love", which I'm currently addicted to (curse you Flava Flav!)

I know my daughter is going to want fried chicken. However, she is have to going to get used to disappointment. The Swanson family will be providing dinner tonight. They have the best frozen taters this side of the Mississippi.

That's pretty much all I've got. I start at the gym tomorrow and hope I don't die or pull anything. I also hope for some eye candy while I"m on the treadmill.

Have a great week!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Return of the Mack

I went shopping with a friend of mine last weekend. Nothing exciting like sex toys or organization materials. Just your average Sunday afternoon. The shopping complex we were at is huge. And by huge I mean gynormous. I haven't been to that complex a lot so I decided to drive around to see what there was to see. That's when I happened upon this...

I had to stop my car, turn around and take a picture with my phone. Now, I realize that this was just someone having a good time. But I'm adding it to the wonky stuff I see while driving around. Now, if I could only find a pair of those big baggy pants...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Handbasket? Party of One

I'm so going to hell. I know I shouldn't laugh at things like this...but dammit! It's funny...

VANCOUVER, Wash. - A woman is accused of shooting her husband four times with a 16-gauge double-barreled shotgun after learning of an affair. (Say it with me now…You Go Girl! [insert ‘Indiana Jones’ theme here]).

Eddie Martin, 51, survived the attack (lucky bastard), but may have to have a limb amputated (well, I can think of worse things ~ read: John Bobbit). Sheryl Martin, also 51, had to reload after the first two shots. (Girlfriend had time to reload. Damn. That’s just fucking fabulous!)

Martin made her first appearance on Monday in Clark County Superior Court (where I’m certain she looked just stunning). Martin was released on bail and will live with her parents (I’m sure her mama is so proud ~ wait…her parents are still alive!?). She will be formally charged September 21st (what type of gown does one wear to a ‘formal’ charge?).

Eddie Martin told his wife he was having an affair and wanted a divorce. (I guess he never heard the whole ‘hell hath no fury’ advice before. Bless his heart).

They argued and Eddie went to sleep in a camper (yeah, drop a bomb like that and stick around to see what happens. Not the brightest crayon in the box is he?).

Sheryl found a shotgun, loaded it and allegedly shot him while he was in bed. (is it wrong that I laughed at this?)

Sheryl Martin called 911 and told a dispatcher what she had done and was arrested on Saturday (see, now that’s just sweet. She called the Po Po to come save his dumb ass).

The pair have been married for 30 years. (Lawd, Jesus…[insert head shake here])

Monday, September 10, 2007

I Nearly Peed My Pants

It Doesn't Take Much to Keep Me Happy

Most commercials annoy the hell out of me. They're just dumb. And if that wasn't bad enough, the rotation schedule is completely out of control!

"I'm thiiiinking of a number..." * barf *

The commericals for Kia are the worst. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. And not because I'm a scorned Kia owner either, rather because the commercials are idiotic at best and are on every commercial break on every channel. For fuck sake, the most recent one was on last night at the beginning of the commercial break AND and the end.

The most recent submission by Kia being the "Save the Greenbacks" commerical where several (read: 10) volunteers in "offical" looking red jackets are tirelessly braving the deep blue ocean to save these poor little "green backs" from....huh. Now that I THINK about it, I'm not sure what they're being saved from. Possibly the WaMu guys, possibly from being put down a strippers g-string. Maybe evein from a tanker running aground by it's sauced captain.

My favorite part of this fine piece of advertising is the volunteer that is using what looks like a couple of vibrators in place of a defibrillator. I wasn't aware that there was an electric current running through $1 bills. Or that they were into self-gratification. Maybe I should post that on Wikipedia...

I hate this commercial with the white hot passion of a thousand suns.

On the flip side, I do have a couple of favorites.

1. EPT. The commerical opens with what looks like Darth Vader's new cruiser. But, no! It's not a spaceship at all. It's a home pregnancy test! *squee* And then the announcer, with his velvet voice says, "It's the most advanced piece of technology you'll ever...(and here's my favorite part ~ from stage right...a stream of liquid)...pee on. Pure. Genius. Unfortunately, the commercial has changed. People were offended by the pee. And now Mr. Velvet Voice says, "The most advanced piece of technology you'll ever (throat clear) you know." It's pee people! The Pepto commercials talk about diarehhea for chrissakes!

2. The Travelocity Roaming Gnome. I love it when he denounces the european electric converter myth. I'm not sure, though, which is my favorite part. Him being electrocuted and shot across the room. Or, when he says, "Am I going to die?"

3. Restless Leg Syndrome drug. I don't even know the name of it. But Lawd Jesus do I love the side affects. "If you develop a gambling or sexual habit, stop using and see your medical professional." The fuck? So, let me get this not have the tingly feeling on my legs, I can take a drug that will make me develop a gambling habit and start fucking animals? Well, thank God it's nothing serious.