Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Please Hammer Don't Hurt Them!

I've discovered an epidemic in the sleepy western town of Scottsdale, Arizona. A rogue band of criminals has chosen to inhabit this once peaceful town.

Their crime you ask?

To deface government property with a "hammertime" template. (Y'all know where I'm going with this...)

At first, I thought the hammertime stop sign I saw was a one time event. You know, something someone did as a prank. It wasn't in a conspicuous place and you had to really be paying attention. I didn't know how wrong I was.

10 miles to the west was another stop sign. Next to a park that is always full of kids and families. This stop sign had "hammertime" spray painted underneath the word "stop". In blue paint this time intead of white.

Well played, rogue band. Well played. Oh, and thanks for the laughs!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

The Kwik-E Mart Class

My daughter informed me that she is a member of the "Kwik-E Mart" class.

When she said this to me, I swear I turned into Scooby Doo. Head cocked to the side, both ears alert with a "Whaaaat???" expression on my face.

She explained her comment to her confused mother.

"Mom, I started high school in 2007 and I'll graduate in 2011. Get it? 7/11!"

Sometimes she makes her momma so damn proud. *sniff*

I asked her if Apu was their mascot and if he showed up to games dressed as a Slurpee.

She just rolled her eyes and went to her room.

I'm thinking about making wrapping paper for her Christmas gifts this year with this logo...

Thursday, October 18, 2007

My Current Addiction

A friend of mine e-mailed me a link earlier this week. I can't stop playing this stoopid game!


Friday, October 12, 2007

The Happiest Crop Circle on Earth

You just never know what you'll find on Google...

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I'm Sorry

I'd like to offer my humblist apologies to the following people:

Carla. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a brat towards you when we were five. I'm sorry I joined the "cool" kids and made fun of you because you picked your nose and peed on one of the swings. I'm sorry for being your friend and then taking it away so I would be liked by all the "cool" kids. I'm sorry for feeling pity for you because your hair looked like it had been cut by Edward Scissorhands (and not in the good way). I remember seeing you all by yourself on the playground. I'm sorry I made you feel alone. I'm sorry that it took me becoming an adult before I realized that there may have been circumstances in your life that I couldn't even have imagined. I remember you always being sweet, even when I wasn't. I pray that your life has been blessed with an abundance of friends and family who love you and see that sweet girl that I always did.

Natasha Lyons. I'm sorry I made fun of your hair and your mom. I'm sorry I once again joined in with the "cool" kids and made fun of you for having a crush on our 6th grade teacher. For what it's worth, so did I. You were just brave enough to admit it. I always thought you were so pretty. Again, all you wanted was a friend. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel sad, hurt or less than. I remember your beautiful smile and kind heart. You got both from your mom.

John McCaslin. Although what you did was pretty icky, I'm sorry for joining in with the "cool" kids (what is wrong with me!?) and taunting you. I should have realized you were going through enough without adding our cruel words to your life.

Cynthia and Melinda. I'm sorry for complaining about you to my friends. You were just excited about starting to take dance. I should have asked to help you with your dance technique instead of improving my asshole technique.

I'm certain there are a plethora of other people I have made feel horrible about themselves because I wasn't strong enough to stand up to the status quo. I know there is nothing I can do to change my past actions and words. But, for what it's worth, I am truly sorry and pray that your lives have brought you the peace you so deserve.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Pimento Cheese

I'm not sure how I feel about it. Looks kinda funky.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

For Once, I Was Speechless

I love this time of year. Love it, love it, love it. It's not a bazillion degrees outside and so I'm able to spend more time outside. Just yesterday, I pulled out my Halloween decorations. Next to Christmas, this is my favorite holiday to decorate my house.

Currently, my house is overrun with pumpkins, ghosts, vampires, bats and black cats. No spooky spiders, though. Y'all know how I feel about bugs.

Any way, I was having the most craptastic day and decided to cheer myself up by turning my house into The Haunted Mansion. Well, apartment. I was busy making my home look completely terrifying (which is how I described the way it looked after my annivorce-ary party) when there was a knock at my door.

It was my downstairs neighbor. She said, "I'm sorry to bother you. But I've been meaning to come talk to you for a while now."

Shit. What the hell have I done now? Music too loud? Too much stomping? Shit.

"I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your holiday decorations. I get excited at this time every year because I know you're going to have something on your door and windows. It warms my heart to know that someone cares enough to celebrate the season."

Say what?

At this point she looked around behind me an noticed my daughter, "You know you're very lucky to have a mom who cares about making things special for you."

I was crying like an idiot at this point. I invited her in for some coffee, but she declined. She just wanted to make sure she spoke to me before she forgot, again.

The point of me sharing this is this; no matter how small you may feel, you may be making the world a better place for someone you don't even know.

She is now on my list for Christmas cookies. I hope she likes them. Because they will have been made with the same love and dedication that it took to decorate.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Is Bobby Deen Gay?

Now how the sam hill would I know? More than that...who cares?! I have no idea why so many of you are asking for an answer regarding his dating status or if he prefers boys. I don't know the man. I also don't know if he has a girlfriend, where he lives, what his favorite flavor of ice cream is or what shade of red he likes to paint his toenails.

I realize that these are the burning questions that keep y'all up at night and what you fantasize about during the day. But, I'm not the girl to turn to for answers.

I was on his mom's show a while ago simply due to a dare from a friend. Honestly, the sole purpose for me being on her show was to make a complete jackass out of myself (which I did with artful precision). I never met him, or any other member of the Deen family when I was in Savnnah. Even if I had met the wildly popular Bobby, I doubt the topic of his sexual orientation, ice cream and/or dating status would have came up. Nail polish...possibly.

Here's how this whooollee thing got started...


Monday, October 1, 2007

How to Spot a Ho-fessional in Scottsdale

Patti made a command decision on Wednesday. We needed to go out dancing. We needed to go on Saturday.

Thank God for command decisions by Patti. After the afternoon I had on Saturday, I needed to work off my throbbing headache with some dancin', likker and my girlfriends.

We went to a club in north Scottsdale. We bellied up to the bar and began to survey all that surrounded us. Not bad. Some nice eye candy, some not so nice eye candy. Maybe even a prospect or two. But whatever, we weren't here for that...we needed to get down with our badselves...STAT!

Apparently, 10:30 is the bewitching hour in north Scottsdale. We were having a great time at the bar drinking and talking when all of a sudden we were surrounded by varying degrees of skank.

Let me paint you a picture...

1 - Black and gray sweater dress that was two sizes too small, and two feet too short. This look was brought together by the grill on her teefs.

2 - Red clingy dress. Super-plunge neckline. With a leopard print bra that was not made for clingy-super-plunge dresses. The leopard print was peeking out all over the place. She looked like Wild Kingdom.

3 - 8 months pregnant. 'Nuff said.

4 - Blond hair with blue hightlights. Lord Jesus...

5 - WTF? Is that a man? In a tube top and choker? (At this point I ordered a shot of tequila)

After a couple of hours (and several drinks) later, we decided the DJ was playing a good amount of booty shakin' music...so we headed to the dance floor to show 'em all how it's done.

They were line dancing. To hip-hop. WHAT THE HELL!?

We worked our way to the center of the dance floor and began to get our groove on. At one point a nice young man (whose mama is so proud of him, I'm sure...) leaned in to ask if Patti and I were lesbians. I'm not really sure why. We weren't dressed like ho-fessionals. And we weren't dancing like ho-fessionals. Maybe he's never seen some in the wild and was just curious so he asked the first set of girls he saw. I prolly should have sent him over to Wild Kingdom. huh. Anyway...always one to come back with a witty retort, I replied, " No, why are you?" I winked and shook it like Shakira to the other end of the dance floor.

If you're ever in Scottsdale, stop by Jilly's on a Saturday night. It's a good time.