Patti made a command decision on Wednesday. We needed to go out dancing. We needed to go on Saturday.
Thank God for command decisions by Patti. After the afternoon I had on Saturday, I needed to work off my throbbing headache with some dancin', likker and my girlfriends.
We went to a club in north Scottsdale. We bellied up to the bar and began to survey all that surrounded us. Not bad. Some nice eye candy, some not so nice eye candy. Maybe even a prospect or two. But whatever, we weren't here for that...we needed to get down with our badselves...STAT!
Apparently, 10:30 is the bewitching hour in north Scottsdale. We were having a great time at the bar drinking and talking when all of a sudden we were surrounded by varying degrees of skank.
Let me paint you a picture...
1 - Black and gray sweater dress that was two sizes too small, and two feet too short. This look was brought together by the grill on her teefs.
2 - Red clingy dress. Super-plunge neckline. With a leopard print bra that was not made for clingy-super-plunge dresses. The leopard print was peeking out all over the place. She looked like Wild Kingdom.
3 - 8 months pregnant. 'Nuff said.
4 - Blond hair with blue hightlights. Lord Jesus...
5 - WTF? Is that a man? In a tube top and choker? (At this point I ordered a shot of tequila)
After a couple of hours (and several drinks) later, we decided the DJ was playing a good amount of booty shakin' music...so we headed to the dance floor to show 'em all how it's done.
They were line dancing. To hip-hop. WHAT THE HELL!?
We worked our way to the center of the dance floor and began to get our groove on. At one point a nice young man (whose mama is so proud of him, I'm sure...) leaned in to ask if Patti and I were lesbians. I'm not really sure why. We weren't dressed like ho-fessionals. And we weren't dancing like ho-fessionals. Maybe he's never seen some in the wild and was just curious so he asked the first set of girls he saw. I prolly should have sent him over to Wild Kingdom. huh. Anyway...always one to come back with a witty retort, I replied, " No, why are you?" I winked and shook it like Shakira to the other end of the dance floor.
If you're ever in Scottsdale, stop by Jilly's on a Saturday night. It's a good time.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
How People See Me
I was watching a comedian last night. The comic said something sarcastic and my daughter howled, "Mom, that is SO you!" Which got me to thinking...how do people see me?
My friend ex-husband thinks I'm Dharma incarnate. I could think of worse things.
Christine also says I remind her of Rachel Ray because we're both silly as hell. I'll take it...
My Sister sees me as Julia Sugarbaker. Apparently I anihilate people when they get under my skin. But only when they really deserve it...
She also sees me as Sandra Bullock's character in Hope Floats. Sweet, huh?
My friend Christine sees me as Gracie Lou Freebush. In her words, "They based that character on you. You should be gettin royalties!"
My mother sees me as Suzanne Sugarbaker. Purely for the fact that I love wearing tiaras.
My friend ex-husband thinks I'm Dharma incarnate. I could think of worse things.
Christine also says I remind her of Rachel Ray because we're both silly as hell. I'll take it...
I've also been told that I remind people of Clairee from Steel Magnolias, Jeff Dunham's puppet Peanut and a host of other characters. As long as I don't start hearing voices, I'm golden.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Man Kisses Snake and Lives to Tell
Wed Sep 19, 4:35 PM ET
PORTLAND, Ore. - Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth. (if there was ever a “Do you know what that fool did?” moment…this was it.)
He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat (well, whodda thunk?). Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.
"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff." (I don’t even want to know what kind of hooch this fool brewed up).
Calls from cable network television stations poured in Tuesday, when he still had sore muscles and nerves from the venom.
It happened at a barbecue with friends. (I think it's time to find new friends)
Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand. (How you gonna miss holding a snake in your damn hand!?)
"She said, 'Get that thing out of my face,'" Wilkinson said. "I told her it was a nice snake. 'Nothing can happen. Watch.'" (oooo! Let's sit back and watch de fun!)
So he stuck the snake in his mouth. (wow! I didn’t know I could roll my eyes that much. Cool)
"It got a hold of my tongue," he said.
He was having breathing problems when his ex-girlfriend drove him to the hospital. "She was the only one sober," Wilkinson said. (Okay, now I’m laughing)
En route, they spotted a police car and asked for help.
His next memory, he said, was waking up at the hospital.
Doctors could not get a breathing tube down his throat.
Dr. Richard Mullins cut a hole in Wilkinson's neck to insert the breathing tube. Physicians started giving antivenin, moved him to intensive care and kept him sedated until the swelling went down.
The Poison Control Center sees about 50 people a year with snake bites, usually hikers. Deaths from rattlesnake bites in Oregon are extremely rare.
Wilkinson, who works in construction, has yet to return to work. His three Western diamondback rattlers have been removed from his home. (This fool kept them as pets and thought they were ‘nice’. Son, that rattle at the end of their tails isn’t for samba music)
He says co-workers have been pretty blunt.
"They were like, 'What the heck were you thinking?'" Wilkinson said.
The answer? "It's my own stupidity." (And the Darwin Award for World’s Biggest Bonehead goes to…)
PORTLAND, Ore. - Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth. (if there was ever a “Do you know what that fool did?” moment…this was it.)
He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat (well, whodda thunk?). Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.
"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff." (I don’t even want to know what kind of hooch this fool brewed up).
Calls from cable network television stations poured in Tuesday, when he still had sore muscles and nerves from the venom.
It happened at a barbecue with friends. (I think it's time to find new friends)
Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand. (How you gonna miss holding a snake in your damn hand!?)
"She said, 'Get that thing out of my face,'" Wilkinson said. "I told her it was a nice snake. 'Nothing can happen. Watch.'" (oooo! Let's sit back and watch de fun!)
So he stuck the snake in his mouth. (wow! I didn’t know I could roll my eyes that much. Cool)
"It got a hold of my tongue," he said.
He was having breathing problems when his ex-girlfriend drove him to the hospital. "She was the only one sober," Wilkinson said. (Okay, now I’m laughing)
En route, they spotted a police car and asked for help.
His next memory, he said, was waking up at the hospital.
Doctors could not get a breathing tube down his throat.
Dr. Richard Mullins cut a hole in Wilkinson's neck to insert the breathing tube. Physicians started giving antivenin, moved him to intensive care and kept him sedated until the swelling went down.
The Poison Control Center sees about 50 people a year with snake bites, usually hikers. Deaths from rattlesnake bites in Oregon are extremely rare.
Wilkinson, who works in construction, has yet to return to work. His three Western diamondback rattlers have been removed from his home. (This fool kept them as pets and thought they were ‘nice’. Son, that rattle at the end of their tails isn’t for samba music)
He says co-workers have been pretty blunt.
"They were like, 'What the heck were you thinking?'" Wilkinson said.
The answer? "It's my own stupidity." (And the Darwin Award for World’s Biggest Bonehead goes to…)
Sunday, September 16, 2007
I Got Nothing
Absolutely nothing today. I've decided that I need a hobby and have decided to take up golf. My step-dad will be my instructor and I'm fervently hoping that I don't nail him with my clubs.
Today, in the non-stop excitement that is your heroines life, I will be going to the grocery store and library. Followed by a rousing game of 'Let's Do The Laundry'.
Today's only saving grace is that it's Sunday and that means Sunday dinner. It also means another episode of "Rock of Love", which I'm currently addicted to (curse you Flava Flav!)
I know my daughter is going to want fried chicken. However, she is have to going to get used to disappointment. The Swanson family will be providing dinner tonight. They have the best frozen taters this side of the Mississippi.
That's pretty much all I've got. I start at the gym tomorrow and hope I don't die or pull anything. I also hope for some eye candy while I"m on the treadmill.
Have a great week!
Today, in the non-stop excitement that is your heroines life, I will be going to the grocery store and library. Followed by a rousing game of 'Let's Do The Laundry'.
Today's only saving grace is that it's Sunday and that means Sunday dinner. It also means another episode of "Rock of Love", which I'm currently addicted to (curse you Flava Flav!)
I know my daughter is going to want fried chicken. However, she is have to going to get used to disappointment. The Swanson family will be providing dinner tonight. They have the best frozen taters this side of the Mississippi.
That's pretty much all I've got. I start at the gym tomorrow and hope I don't die or pull anything. I also hope for some eye candy while I"m on the treadmill.
Have a great week!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The Return of the Mack
I went shopping with a friend of mine last weekend. Nothing exciting like sex toys or organization materials. Just your average Sunday afternoon. The shopping complex we were at is huge. And by huge I mean gynormous. I haven't been to that complex a lot so I decided to drive around to see what there was to see. That's when I happened upon this...
I had to stop my car, turn around and take a picture with my phone. Now, I realize that this was just someone having a good time. But I'm adding it to the wonky stuff I see while driving around. Now, if I could only find a pair of those big baggy pants...
I had to stop my car, turn around and take a picture with my phone. Now, I realize that this was just someone having a good time. But I'm adding it to the wonky stuff I see while driving around. Now, if I could only find a pair of those big baggy pants...
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Handbasket? Party of One
I'm so going to hell. I know I shouldn't laugh at things like this...but dammit! It's funny...
VANCOUVER, Wash. - A woman is accused of shooting her husband four times with a 16-gauge double-barreled shotgun after learning of an affair. (Say it with me now…You Go Girl! [insert ‘Indiana Jones’ theme here]).
Eddie Martin, 51, survived the attack (lucky bastard), but may have to have a limb amputated (well, I can think of worse things ~ read: John Bobbit). Sheryl Martin, also 51, had to reload after the first two shots. (Girlfriend had time to reload. Damn. That’s just fucking fabulous!)
Martin made her first appearance on Monday in Clark County Superior Court (where I’m certain she looked just stunning). Martin was released on bail and will live with her parents (I’m sure her mama is so proud ~ wait…her parents are still alive!?). She will be formally charged September 21st (what type of gown does one wear to a ‘formal’ charge?).
Eddie Martin told his wife he was having an affair and wanted a divorce. (I guess he never heard the whole ‘hell hath no fury’ advice before. Bless his heart).
They argued and Eddie went to sleep in a camper (yeah, drop a bomb like that and stick around to see what happens. Not the brightest crayon in the box is he?).
Sheryl found a shotgun, loaded it and allegedly shot him while he was in bed. (is it wrong that I laughed at this?)
Sheryl Martin called 911 and told a dispatcher what she had done and was arrested on Saturday (see, now that’s just sweet. She called the Po Po to come save his dumb ass).
The pair have been married for 30 years. (Lawd, Jesus…[insert head shake here])
VANCOUVER, Wash. - A woman is accused of shooting her husband four times with a 16-gauge double-barreled shotgun after learning of an affair. (Say it with me now…You Go Girl! [insert ‘Indiana Jones’ theme here]).
Eddie Martin, 51, survived the attack (lucky bastard), but may have to have a limb amputated (well, I can think of worse things ~ read: John Bobbit). Sheryl Martin, also 51, had to reload after the first two shots. (Girlfriend had time to reload. Damn. That’s just fucking fabulous!)
Martin made her first appearance on Monday in Clark County Superior Court (where I’m certain she looked just stunning). Martin was released on bail and will live with her parents (I’m sure her mama is so proud ~ wait…her parents are still alive!?). She will be formally charged September 21st (what type of gown does one wear to a ‘formal’ charge?).
Eddie Martin told his wife he was having an affair and wanted a divorce. (I guess he never heard the whole ‘hell hath no fury’ advice before. Bless his heart).
They argued and Eddie went to sleep in a camper (yeah, drop a bomb like that and stick around to see what happens. Not the brightest crayon in the box is he?).
Sheryl found a shotgun, loaded it and allegedly shot him while he was in bed. (is it wrong that I laughed at this?)
Sheryl Martin called 911 and told a dispatcher what she had done and was arrested on Saturday (see, now that’s just sweet. She called the Po Po to come save his dumb ass).
The pair have been married for 30 years. (Lawd, Jesus…[insert head shake here])
Monday, September 10, 2007
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